I don’t think I’m a very good parent. I’ve got some excellent parental qualities – I’m definitely loving, affectionate, and attentive. But I’m seriously lacking in discipline, consistency, and boundaries. I found this exact discrepancy one other place in my life…as a massage therapist. My success in the business is due to my loving, affectionate, attentive elements. That’s what my clients value, what they need, and what they benefit from. But it took me eight years in the business before I felt strong enough to limit the hours I worked. If a client called, I was there. I had no structure, no boundaries, and no routine. Location-wise I was on Martha’s Vineyard, in New York City, in Boston, and now in England. It seems I’m only happy if I’m unsettled. The fact is that the qualities I lack would make my professional life a lot easier…and in the long run a lot more successful.
My lack of these three elements is also why I’ve never been a good yogi or meditator or vegetarian or artist or writer. Coming to the mat to practice or the computer to write EVERY day? Its just not in my bones. Turning down a beautiful grass fed juicy burger? No way. I yearn for the discipline to be that woman.
Now my kids are calling for me to step up. They don’t care if I write or eat cow (though they would definitely benefit if I meditated more). But kids respond to consistency and boundaries. On the surface they might hate them, get excited about spontenaity and freedom. But when the shit hits the fan, they like to know you’re in charge. And when bedtime rolls around, they like to know whats going to happen. I’m afraid my three year old is a bit worse for wear due to my discrepancies. He whines. He has poor table manners. He talks back. Entire days can be a struggle due to his challenging behavior. Its physically exhausting and emotionally draining. I’m trying to learn to keep the upper hand. I’m trying to keep my house – in all senses of the word – in order. But it is so unnatural for me. Remember – I took eight years to declare my hours of business. This learning curve better be a bit steeper. I have another chance with baby Lu. I already feel more confident and in control with her than I ever did managing Finn’s babyhood. So that’s a good start.
Sometimes I want to run back to my pre-child days. Dealing solely with client’s needs. But that wouldn’t push me to be more of the woman I want to be. Maybe as I strive to become a better parent I’ll write more, meditate more, eat more vegetables…maybe…
Given time and a sense that it would be appropriate, I could comment to the contrary on all of Em’s “not good at” things. I won’t, at least not here and now, but I can’t help observing that the writing that appears here is its own testimony to the falsehood of THAT particular not-good-at claim. As the Churchlady put it, “Thanks for sharing!”
Dear Em… Loose association though this is (she’s confessing not lack of discipline per se but other pieces of herself about which she wonders….), I thought you might like it : there are of course 2 years until Finn is 5, and that’s lots of time to be more and more of who you are and want to be
For A Five Year Old Fleur Adcock
A snail is climbing up the window-sill
into your room, after a night of rain.
You call me in to see, and I explain]
that it would be unkind to leave it there;
It might crawl to the floor, we must take care
that no one squashes it. You understand,
and carry it outside, with careful hand,
to eat a daffodil.
I see, then, that a kind of faith prevails:
your gentleness is moulded still by words
from me, who have trapped mice and shot wild birds,
from me, who drowned your kittens, who betrayed
your closest relative, and who purveyed
the harshest kind of truth to many another.
But that is how things are: I am your mother,
and we are kind to snails
Love your description of your son! He sounds like a very normal 3-year-old boy to me! But I know what it’s like feeling like it’s a battle all day long! I have a big boy just like yours – and a smaller one who thinks his brother is the ultimate role model (yikes!). I wish I was better at the discipline side of things – but it’s just not in my nature! It gets a lot easier tho when they start school, so don’t worry!
You’re certainly not alone feeling this way – I spent most of your childhood in this state of mind ;o) Or should I say ‘life”? We do learn a lot about ourselves through our relationships with our children – but as Sherry’s poem says so beautifully, they pick up what we hope they will, in spite of what we do. So take heart – you’re pretty wonderful, and Finn is too.
I know I gave you this card – here it is again: “You must avoid not only blaming others but also blaming yourself. You are inclined to blame yourself for the difficulties you experience in relationships. But self-blame is not a form of humility. It is a form of self-rejection in which you ignore or deny your own goodness and beauty. ” Henri Nouwen.
Keep writing – It’s important.